The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
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[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.