If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
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ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Good point.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”