After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.