When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
Well, shit
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.