My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Miscakes
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out