Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
mom had nothing to worry about
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
This is sending me to another galaxy
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor