I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
This is amazing.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous