I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
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A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
Dear Lord..
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter