People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
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January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
this is uni
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein