Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
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When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If a snake ate a cake
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts