Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.