My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.