Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
You Might Also Like
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Oh deer
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me, in DM rooms…
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.