I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
You Might Also Like
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today