Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
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i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough