But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That