Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.