Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
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Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[on my way back to the posting caves]
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???