remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
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one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”