imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.