The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now