me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
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Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King’s Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.