How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
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[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
choose your gary
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.