The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
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I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly