The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
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I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card