Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
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Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒