Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
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Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
How to make infinite energy.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
hi why am I like this
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
called in thicc to work this morning
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.