Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
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I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I should have been a cat, bc all I do is sleep and the rest of the time I’m just weird.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.