First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
👾👾👾
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts