i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
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My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
What
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
seems like a niche market
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss