*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
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Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.