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boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
🤭😂
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]