Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
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Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel