He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
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My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.