[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle