Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Ha.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.