To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
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What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Dating Tips
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2.
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.