Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk