“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
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Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math