Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
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Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends