ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
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stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
I think this cat is broken
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
🤣
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir