brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
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Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
“Stalker” has such a negative connotation. I prefer to think of myself as a classy international spy that happened to take a very personal interest in your case.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first