“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them