Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
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The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious