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wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Body by sandwich.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape