[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
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Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
My god she’s good.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My husband isn’t drinking while he trains for a marathon. There’s all this pressure on me to be supportive, so, reluctantly, I’m now drinking for both of us.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”