WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Date: Do you go camping?
Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.