My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
You Might Also Like
thinking about a very short hotdog
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
did it work
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.