The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
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waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
bad news gang
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.