I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
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I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
can’t talk my ride’s here
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.